Enough
empty rooms for kids to boomerang home again
Published 05/23/2013 12 AM
Just before my nephews graduated from college
my sister and brother law decided to downsize. As if I knew what I was talking
about, I advised, buy a one-bedroom condo with a couch that doesn’t open up. I
was clueless. The underlying truth, once they’re gone they’re gone, is a truism
a little like the tide, it always goes out and back in; bringing a lot of stuff
with it, too.
My daughters were in grade-school when I made
my little know-it-all comment. What I didn’t know then is that as the fabric of
the world economy unravels so goes the safety-pinning of the family dynamic at
home. Our two daughters graduated from college, moved out, became gainfully
employed, completed post graduate educations, got married and have waded
knee-deep back to our shore. Why did they boomerang home, because they wanted
to and had to; thankfully we still had enough empty bed rooms.
When both girls were out of the house and on
their own, empty nest - the overused term to describe the angst parents feel
when their prodigy heads out - was not a negative but a very joyous positive. The
house stayed clean and my husband could use the bathroom with the door
open. The quiet of our home was soothing
at first until I figured there must be more to life than evenings filled with
the symphony of my husband’s snoring during “Wheel of Fortune.” Did I miss my
children? Yes. Did I love our empty nest? Absolutely. But taking control of the
remote while hubby dozes on the couch should not be the daily highlight.
Redecorating their bedrooms with a look somewhere
between Holiday Inn Express and Hilton was liberating; I showed them off to
anyone who wanted to trudge upstairs and look. They’ll be back, some said. I
thought, “Oh no they won’t,” but knew, they might.
We have a mother-in-law’s apartment attached
to our home. When she passed away, at the age of 93, the apartment sat empty
until it made sense for our oldest daughter and her husband to move in and save
money. It’s wonderful having them as neighbors and, from the beginning, it
never felt like they boomeranged because the apartment is totally separate and
they pay rent. Here’s where it gets interesting.
Living a state away, our youngest daughter
and her fiancé missed family. Even though each had good jobs our daughter
decided she wanted to switch gears and become a teacher, which meant more
education. Knowing how disenfranchised she felt within her career, I thought
her new choice a wise one. Back to school meant back to family. So our daughter
and now son-in-law, live in the Comfort Inn upstairs, one room is a bedroom and
one a living room; they pay rent and I’m the innkeeper, with no linen service
provided.
Once the house filled up with our family of
four, plus a couple of son-in-laws and another dog, I thought I’d feel
put-upon, inconvenienced and out-of-sorts. I thought my life would change, but it hasn’t,
except that the house looks very lived-in and my husband once again closes the
bathroom door.
The hardest adjustment for all hasn't been that privacy has been compromised, because it hasn’t; it’s how hard it
is for adult children to share the parent’s beach blanket once they’ve had their
own to sit on. Everyone is employed so it isn’t a failure and dependency kind
of thing; it’s a temporary new kind of normal the likes of which past
generations have enjoyed as multi-generational living for years. So far it’s working
for us. The only problem is our youngest can’t wait until her sister and
husband move out of the apartment so they can move next door. When that happens,
I’m redecorating. My husband and I will each have an office; no couches will
open up. Enough said.
Carolynn serves continental breakfast only at
her home in Westbrook. Email Carolynn Pianta at
Published in The Times newspaper, a division of The Day in New London, Connecticut
Beautifully written Carolynn. I loved reading every word of this.
ReplyDeleteThanks Patty. Your opinion and kind words mean very much.
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